Love and Passion

Misha and I have been married for 11 years. It doesn’t seem like such a long time when we hang out with couples who’ve been married 20 and 30 years. I think there are more than a few people who think of us as that cute young married couple, or those young pups. There’s a hint of amusement in their voices as they give us parenting advice or tell us stories about getting along with their spouses. And it’s fine. That’s one reason we hang out with them, to glean from their wealth of wisdom.

At the same time, we have been married a long time. We have friends our age who haven’t been married as long, are on their second marriage, or haven’t yet found Mr. or Mrs. Right. We try not to sound like bossy know-it-alls when we discuss relationships with them, but I’m sure it doesn’t always work. Like all couples who have been married 11 years, we have had our share of character and relationship-trying experiences and dry spells, and I take more than a bit of pleasure in the fact that we have emerged so far with a stronger marriage, a closer relationship, and a more intimate sharing of our lives than when we first started. I am more in love with my wife (in the ooey-gooey infatuated sense) than when we got married.

There’s a theory going around that the ooey-gooey feelings that you have when you first get together with someone go away over time, and you fall into a settled, less passionate existence together. I think that’s bunk. I’ve found that the more I lay down my life for someone who is doing the same for me, the closer our connection becomes, and the more I am able to love her with passion and abandon. The more I get to know what a beautiful and amazing woman she is, the more I want to please her and lay my life down more completely.

I started thinking about this when I read a devotional thought from Colossians 2 by Mark Matlock. Here’s an excerpt:

"In delivering to his readers -- and us -- what we need to know about Jesus, Paul answers the question we often ask: I'm a Christian; now what?

At least, it's the question we should be asking. Instead, I think a lot of us unconsciously think, "I'm a Christian. Now let me get on with my life." Paul will tell us today and tomorrow that God intends that "getting on with your life" be just as much about Jesus as becoming a Christian was in the first place.

My pastor puts it this way: The wedding isn't the end of the relationship; it's only the first day. Becoming a Christian is the start of living in Christ, not just the end of our search for God. If your life isn't all about growing in Christ, it's not all it could be."

I could lead a dry and passionless existence with my wife. And I could do the same with Christ. But there was a time about 13 years ago that I began to realize the depths of love God has for me, and I became, in a sense, “infatuated” with Christ--that is, I felt a deep longing and excitement regarding our relationship. I have been growing in my passion for Him ever since, although as I get older I sometimes express it with less energy (because I do most things with less energy). The more I lay my own life down for Christ and understand how He did the same for me, the more “in love” with Him I become.

It just so happens that I met my wife that same year. Coincidence? I think not.

It's Not Personal, It's Busyness

One of my favorite romantic comedies in the world is You’ve Got Mail. Tom Hanks plays Joe Fox, the heir apparent of a chain of Barnes & Noble-type bookstores who puts Kathleen Kelly, the owner of a small children’s bookstore played by Meg Ryan, out of business. Joe Fox’s mantra: “It’s not personal, it’s business.” Through the course of the movie this mantra is turned on it’s head as Joe’s personal life becomes intricately linked with this person he’s just put out of business. It’s quirky and fun, and worth watching if you enjoy good movies.

I think with a bit of an adjustment, we could use this phrase pretty often. I know I can. “Kids, I can’t spend much time with you today. It’s not personal, it’s busyness.” “I know I told you I would call you, but I forgot. It’s not personal, it’s busyness.” “I’m sorry I’m half an hour late for our meeting. It’s not personal, it’s busyness.”

Even though we live in Corsicana, TX and not the big city, we easily find ourselves living a frenetic lifestyle, with our days scheduled to the minute and very little time to just sit and be. For some of us, our personality virtually demands that we plan and schedule each minute of the day. For others, our lack of planning leads to running from one appointment to the next, dropping kids from one sports thing to the next. I fall into the latter category.

What I have found is that the busier I get, the more I miss out. Even more than that, the busier I get, the more my kids miss out. It is my responsibility to make sure that my family is not so busy that we don’t spend time together. As the father, I am charged with the spiritual well-being of my family, and the busier I get, the less influence I have.

Please don’t hear me say that busy people are doing things wrong. At times I have a schedule that has me scrambling from one thing to the next. I am saying that we often add things to our schedules, unnecessary things, that indicate to the people around us that we care more for these things than we care for them.

That’s kind of a harsh truth. When we choose to spend inordinate amounts of time away from our families or the people we love, we speak very clearly about those things that we prefer to give our time and attention.

The more nights I choose to spend out with teenagers, the more my own children discover who I really prefer. The more time I spend on trips, the more Misha gets a clear idea of where she ranks on my list of priorities. The more activities I try to cram into my family’s schedule, the more my family understands what I truly value.

And the opposite is also true.

The more nights I choose to spend with my kids, the more my kids discover how much I truly love them. The more I choose my wife over filling my schedule with events and trips, the more fulfilling our marriage becomes. The more I schedule down-time with my family, the more they understand that I truly value them over any thing on this planet.

Because busyness is personal. Busyness for its own sake makes it difficult, darn near impossible, even, to put extended, focused time into developing those personal relationships that matter most. Busyness tells those around you what you really prefer and where your priorities lie.

Busyness is personal. Wouldn’t it be great if our church continues to be known, as I think it has been up to now, for valuing people over schedules, for being relationship-driven instead of program driven, for having a schedule that truly shows that our priorities are in developing those personal relationships that increase our spiritual influence in the lives of our families and community?