Bricked In

Last night I heard a radio interview of the author of a book who argues that humans were never meant to be monogamous. He says that since quite a lot of people cheat on their spouses, that it must necessarily be against our genes/nature as humans to remain committed exclusively to one person for life. Therefore, healthy partnerships and marriages must be “open” in order to be most fulfilled. He also says that people who do remain committed without cheating are either lying about the subject or don’t have the ability or opportunity to cheat because of age, looks, lack of sexual prowess, etc.

I suppose that this is the only logical conclusion of a certain worldview. IF humans are only animals, then our urges and instincts must therefore be our highest motivation and suppression of those urges will lead to an unhappy, unfulfilled existence. Fortunately for me, this has not been my experience.

In my experience, the people who live the most successful, happiest, most fulfilled lives are people who exhibit great self control and have a long-term, exclusive, committed relationship with their spouse. I’ve found it to be true in myself as well. The more self controlled I am and the longer I remain committed exclusively to Misha, the more fulfilling I’ve found our relationship, and not just on an emotional level, but a physical one as well. I can’t imagine a happier, more fulfilled existence for me.

Because when love is viewed purely from a physical cost/reward perspective completely removed from the metaphysical, then it becomes just an emotion, and I know all too well how fleeting and unpredictable my emotions are. Or it becomes just instincts and urges, and I know all too well how self destructive those can be when followed to their end.

So here’s what I’ll do: I will let this fella have his open relationship and let him remain true to his worldview, if that’s what he wants to do. And I will go right ahead and pursue all the things he says will keep me unfulfilled and restless in my marriage. At the end of our lives, maybe we’ll have the chance to compare.

I predict that my relationship with Misha will be unquantifiably better not in spite of self control and exclusivity, but because of it.

Why wouldn’t I remain exclusive with her? She is the one who knows me best and accepts me for all that I am, as imperfect as I may be. She is the one who is the mother of my children and the desire of my heart. She is the one with whom I made a covenant: No matter the circumstance, no matter the finances or health, no matter the place or time, near or far, I will remain committed to Misha Perkins Parker until I die. I have bricked myself in, and though the world may fly apart all around us, I will never break that covenant.

Youth Culture Then and Now

At one point during each of our Real World Parents seminars, I ask the question, “Are things better or worse at this point in our culture than they were 100 years ago?” It’s a trick question, because the answer is, in general, neither. Compared with any point in history, our culture is not better or worse, it’s just different. We have different challenges, possibilities, influences, and technologies, but, in general, we cannot say that our culture is better or worse than it ever has been. Of course, our preferences and our ideas of the ideal society play a large role in our perception of culture.

It seems like every time I talk with the older members of our church about what we do in our student ministry I hear the words, “Things are just more difficult/different/harder than when I was a kid.” This seems to me to be an odd statement, because I grew up in the an era of rapid change in youth culture, and the rate of change increases by the day. Of course things are different today. But for those who were born in the United States during the first half of the 20th century, however, it’s not so strange. We were a primarily agricultural society in the early 1900s, the average family size was larger, communication slower, cities smaller, and, with the exception of the 1920s, our culture was less materialistic than it is today. All of these together made for a less volatile culture, though every generation experiences upheavals of new wars, new technologies, and political strife.

Family life was also more stable than it is today. Children were perceived as assets rather than a drain on the budget. Television and other media were not the distraction they are today, and family meals were the norm rather than the exception. Walt Mueller, the foremost scholar of Youth Culture in the church, gives a list of six of the primary changes that affect our families today:

• The increase and acceptance of divorce
• The rise of cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births
• The crisis of the fatherless
• The increasing number of mothers who work outside the home
• The decreasing amount of time parents are spending with their kids
• More teenagers are the victims of family violence

This is not to say that things were easy or better in the early 20th century, but we are certainly facing some significant challenges as we continue our discussion of ministry to students in our particular context. We look around and we can see, almost overwhelmingly, each of these factors affecting students and families all around us. No one seems immune.

Often we turn to the staff and volunteers in our church to help us know what in the world we can do to help our kids navigate these social pressures. But Youth ministry as we have come to understand it did not exist 100 years ago. These issues were addressed in the family context and the need for a specialized church ministry for adolescents was non-existent. Next we will trace Youth ministry as it has evolved to address the various and changing challenges of our culture.

Ministry is Relationship

Jealousy

As we walked through the building I felt an overwhelming sense of jealousy. The nearly finished Student Ministry Center was huge, the lights were huge, even the soundboard was huge. The welcome center was bigger than my entire space designated for Student Ministry.

Our town has never had a church building like this one before.

I confess to you, the reader, that I am sometimes jealous of Student Ministries with bigger budgets, newer gadgets, nicer buildings, cooler youth guys... The list goes on. I have a plan for what my ministry will look like when I have those kinds of resources. If I ever have those kinds of resources.

“So, what’s your big plan for when this thing is finished?” I asked the Student Minister.

“We’re going to focus on Small Groups and creating a spirit of friendliness.” He replied.

He handed me a book by Jeanne Mayo, Thriving Youth Groups: secrets for growing your ministry & creating a friendship culture. I read it the next day.

Ministry is Relationship

A thought came to me as we were talking: Ministry is relationship. I’ve been saying this for a long time, yet I’ve always had this idea that there are things we could acquire that would “put us right over the top”. Student Ministers are known for being early adopters of technology and tactics of ministry, and I want to be known for that, as well.

Ministry is relationship. It’s not an earth shaking idea. I heard it from a pastor a long time ago. Libraries have been written about it, seminars have been presented declaring it, and committees have been established to determine how to best go about it. From the time of Christ until now, ministry is to be done in the context of relationships, if it is to be considered ministry at all.

Ministry is relationship. This statement is true no matter the generation, church size, socioeconomic class, denomination, creed, or race. Our deepest desire as humans is for connection with God, and that is best felt through connection with His people.

Ministry is relationship. I’ve been a Student Minister in Corsicana, TX for over seven years, and the students who stick, thrive, and go on to ministries of their own are the ones who form connections with other students, ministry volunteers, and other adults in the church. Even my big plan for limitless resources is dependent on and intended to foster close relationships among the students and adults who are involved in the ministry.

Looking Back

As a teenager, I was never a member of a “youth group”. I was a member of a small church with too few teenagers to be considered a “group”. But there was this one church where a few of my classmates attended where I went to from time to time. I even went on a summer trip or two with them. The group was led by a wacky college student named Wes. I remember a few of his jokes. I remember that his hair changed every time Steven Curtis Chapman’s hair changed. I remember that he loved and accepted me right where I was.

I didn’t know that he would be the influence that gave me the desire to be where I am today. Neither did he.

Wes wasn’t a superstar Student Minister. Sylvan Hills First Baptist wasn’t nearly the biggest church around and definitely didn’t have the biggest budget. The teenagers met in what was basically the attic of the church. They called it the “Upper Room”. Yet out of the Upper Room flowed a spirit of love and acceptance that drew me into a deeper relationship with the other students, and deepened my desire to get to know God to a greater degree.

What will follow is a discussion of the basics of effective, thriving ministry to teenagers regardless of budget or resources. I speak from the experience of a small church in a small town. Though practical matters may change, the basic principles of effective ministry remain the same.

Rules and Expectations

Well, it’s that time of year again. The weather is getting cooler, the days are getting shorter, football season is in full swing, and Halloween decorations are on the shelves at our friendly neighborhood retailers.

I’ve never really enjoyed Halloween.

Even when I was a kid, the thought of dressing up, getting candy from strangers, and being scared to death was not a pleasant one. I didn’t mind my parents keeping me home from trick-or-treating, and I certainly didn’t want to go to a haunted house. I may have some repressed memory of some haunted house trauma where a zombie clown pretended to suck out my brains. That would probably also explain my fear of clowns.

Yep, I’m a Hallo-weenie.

I once heard Halloween described as the one day of the year we’re expected to pretend to be someone we’re not. Costumes allow us to play out our fantasies, to face our fears, and hide the things we don’t really like about ourselves.

Of course, Halloween has a long and legendary history. As a child, I learned all about the one day of the year the veil between the living and the dead is supposed by pagans to be the thinnest. I learned about All Saints Day and Jack, who lost his head and wanders purgatory with a lantern made out of a pumpkin looking for it.

At least, I think that’s how it goes.

But in our consumer culture, regardless of its roots, Halloween is considered just a fun night to dress up, party, and get a bunch of candy. As much as I don’t really like Halloween, I really enjoy candy and dressing up.

When I was a kid, the thing I dressed myself in most often was my perception of what everyone around me expected. Give me a list of rules and expectations, and I could be pretty much whatever you wanted me to be. I could even change, like a chameleon, depending on my surroundings and people I was with. It became a bit awkward, though, when I was hanging out with people from different circles at the same time.

That’s the problem with focusing on the rules.

Anyone can fit themselves into a box we create for them. Anyone can pretend to be something they’re not. At least for a little while. You may be a member at BBC, or even just hanging around checking us out, and you may be completely different from the person you present to us at church. It has certainly happened before.

But following the rules doesn’t have anything to do with true life change.

Galatians 3:21: Is the law then against the promises of God? God forbid: for if there had been a law given which could make alive, verily righteousness would have been of the law.

I’m not talking about a passive “let life happen” approach to our Christian life. As we are faced with Scripture and are convicted about what God wants for us, we act and actively pursue the things that He desires for our lives.

James 1:23-24: For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was.

We can force people to follow the rules or leave, and that would be fairly easy to do. The much harder thing, and the thing I believe we're called to do, is to love and accept people no matter what and show them by our actions and love who Christ is and what God's character is like. People can follow rules without any true change whatsoever. That was the problem with the Pharisees. People cannot, however, consistently behave contrary to what they truly believe. So we want to help people to know, understand, believe, and apply principles of Scripture, not force themselves into a mold that we create for them.

When people see the way you live your life, do they see Christ's love, or do they see a list of rules and expectations?

Galatians 3:26-27: For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.

Love and Passion

Misha and I have been married for 11 years. It doesn’t seem like such a long time when we hang out with couples who’ve been married 20 and 30 years. I think there are more than a few people who think of us as that cute young married couple, or those young pups. There’s a hint of amusement in their voices as they give us parenting advice or tell us stories about getting along with their spouses. And it’s fine. That’s one reason we hang out with them, to glean from their wealth of wisdom.

At the same time, we have been married a long time. We have friends our age who haven’t been married as long, are on their second marriage, or haven’t yet found Mr. or Mrs. Right. We try not to sound like bossy know-it-alls when we discuss relationships with them, but I’m sure it doesn’t always work. Like all couples who have been married 11 years, we have had our share of character and relationship-trying experiences and dry spells, and I take more than a bit of pleasure in the fact that we have emerged so far with a stronger marriage, a closer relationship, and a more intimate sharing of our lives than when we first started. I am more in love with my wife (in the ooey-gooey infatuated sense) than when we got married.

There’s a theory going around that the ooey-gooey feelings that you have when you first get together with someone go away over time, and you fall into a settled, less passionate existence together. I think that’s bunk. I’ve found that the more I lay down my life for someone who is doing the same for me, the closer our connection becomes, and the more I am able to love her with passion and abandon. The more I get to know what a beautiful and amazing woman she is, the more I want to please her and lay my life down more completely.

I started thinking about this when I read a devotional thought from Colossians 2 by Mark Matlock. Here’s an excerpt:

"In delivering to his readers -- and us -- what we need to know about Jesus, Paul answers the question we often ask: I'm a Christian; now what?

At least, it's the question we should be asking. Instead, I think a lot of us unconsciously think, "I'm a Christian. Now let me get on with my life." Paul will tell us today and tomorrow that God intends that "getting on with your life" be just as much about Jesus as becoming a Christian was in the first place.

My pastor puts it this way: The wedding isn't the end of the relationship; it's only the first day. Becoming a Christian is the start of living in Christ, not just the end of our search for God. If your life isn't all about growing in Christ, it's not all it could be."

I could lead a dry and passionless existence with my wife. And I could do the same with Christ. But there was a time about 13 years ago that I began to realize the depths of love God has for me, and I became, in a sense, “infatuated” with Christ--that is, I felt a deep longing and excitement regarding our relationship. I have been growing in my passion for Him ever since, although as I get older I sometimes express it with less energy (because I do most things with less energy). The more I lay my own life down for Christ and understand how He did the same for me, the more “in love” with Him I become.

It just so happens that I met my wife that same year. Coincidence? I think not.