Rules and Expectations

Well, it’s that time of year again. The weather is getting cooler, the days are getting shorter, football season is in full swing, and Halloween decorations are on the shelves at our friendly neighborhood retailers.

I’ve never really enjoyed Halloween.

Even when I was a kid, the thought of dressing up, getting candy from strangers, and being scared to death was not a pleasant one. I didn’t mind my parents keeping me home from trick-or-treating, and I certainly didn’t want to go to a haunted house. I may have some repressed memory of some haunted house trauma where a zombie clown pretended to suck out my brains. That would probably also explain my fear of clowns.

Yep, I’m a Hallo-weenie.

I once heard Halloween described as the one day of the year we’re expected to pretend to be someone we’re not. Costumes allow us to play out our fantasies, to face our fears, and hide the things we don’t really like about ourselves.

Of course, Halloween has a long and legendary history. As a child, I learned all about the one day of the year the veil between the living and the dead is supposed by pagans to be the thinnest. I learned about All Saints Day and Jack, who lost his head and wanders purgatory with a lantern made out of a pumpkin looking for it.

At least, I think that’s how it goes.

But in our consumer culture, regardless of its roots, Halloween is considered just a fun night to dress up, party, and get a bunch of candy. As much as I don’t really like Halloween, I really enjoy candy and dressing up.

When I was a kid, the thing I dressed myself in most often was my perception of what everyone around me expected. Give me a list of rules and expectations, and I could be pretty much whatever you wanted me to be. I could even change, like a chameleon, depending on my surroundings and people I was with. It became a bit awkward, though, when I was hanging out with people from different circles at the same time.

That’s the problem with focusing on the rules.

Anyone can fit themselves into a box we create for them. Anyone can pretend to be something they’re not. At least for a little while. You may be a member at BBC, or even just hanging around checking us out, and you may be completely different from the person you present to us at church. It has certainly happened before.

But following the rules doesn’t have anything to do with true life change.

Galatians 3:21: Is the law then against the promises of God? God forbid: for if there had been a law given which could make alive, verily righteousness would have been of the law.

I’m not talking about a passive “let life happen” approach to our Christian life. As we are faced with Scripture and are convicted about what God wants for us, we act and actively pursue the things that He desires for our lives.

James 1:23-24: For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was.

We can force people to follow the rules or leave, and that would be fairly easy to do. The much harder thing, and the thing I believe we're called to do, is to love and accept people no matter what and show them by our actions and love who Christ is and what God's character is like. People can follow rules without any true change whatsoever. That was the problem with the Pharisees. People cannot, however, consistently behave contrary to what they truly believe. So we want to help people to know, understand, believe, and apply principles of Scripture, not force themselves into a mold that we create for them.

When people see the way you live your life, do they see Christ's love, or do they see a list of rules and expectations?

Galatians 3:26-27: For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.

Love and Passion

Misha and I have been married for 11 years. It doesn’t seem like such a long time when we hang out with couples who’ve been married 20 and 30 years. I think there are more than a few people who think of us as that cute young married couple, or those young pups. There’s a hint of amusement in their voices as they give us parenting advice or tell us stories about getting along with their spouses. And it’s fine. That’s one reason we hang out with them, to glean from their wealth of wisdom.

At the same time, we have been married a long time. We have friends our age who haven’t been married as long, are on their second marriage, or haven’t yet found Mr. or Mrs. Right. We try not to sound like bossy know-it-alls when we discuss relationships with them, but I’m sure it doesn’t always work. Like all couples who have been married 11 years, we have had our share of character and relationship-trying experiences and dry spells, and I take more than a bit of pleasure in the fact that we have emerged so far with a stronger marriage, a closer relationship, and a more intimate sharing of our lives than when we first started. I am more in love with my wife (in the ooey-gooey infatuated sense) than when we got married.

There’s a theory going around that the ooey-gooey feelings that you have when you first get together with someone go away over time, and you fall into a settled, less passionate existence together. I think that’s bunk. I’ve found that the more I lay down my life for someone who is doing the same for me, the closer our connection becomes, and the more I am able to love her with passion and abandon. The more I get to know what a beautiful and amazing woman she is, the more I want to please her and lay my life down more completely.

I started thinking about this when I read a devotional thought from Colossians 2 by Mark Matlock. Here’s an excerpt:

"In delivering to his readers -- and us -- what we need to know about Jesus, Paul answers the question we often ask: I'm a Christian; now what?

At least, it's the question we should be asking. Instead, I think a lot of us unconsciously think, "I'm a Christian. Now let me get on with my life." Paul will tell us today and tomorrow that God intends that "getting on with your life" be just as much about Jesus as becoming a Christian was in the first place.

My pastor puts it this way: The wedding isn't the end of the relationship; it's only the first day. Becoming a Christian is the start of living in Christ, not just the end of our search for God. If your life isn't all about growing in Christ, it's not all it could be."

I could lead a dry and passionless existence with my wife. And I could do the same with Christ. But there was a time about 13 years ago that I began to realize the depths of love God has for me, and I became, in a sense, “infatuated” with Christ--that is, I felt a deep longing and excitement regarding our relationship. I have been growing in my passion for Him ever since, although as I get older I sometimes express it with less energy (because I do most things with less energy). The more I lay my own life down for Christ and understand how He did the same for me, the more “in love” with Him I become.

It just so happens that I met my wife that same year. Coincidence? I think not.

It's Not Personal, It's Busyness

One of my favorite romantic comedies in the world is You’ve Got Mail. Tom Hanks plays Joe Fox, the heir apparent of a chain of Barnes & Noble-type bookstores who puts Kathleen Kelly, the owner of a small children’s bookstore played by Meg Ryan, out of business. Joe Fox’s mantra: “It’s not personal, it’s business.” Through the course of the movie this mantra is turned on it’s head as Joe’s personal life becomes intricately linked with this person he’s just put out of business. It’s quirky and fun, and worth watching if you enjoy good movies.

I think with a bit of an adjustment, we could use this phrase pretty often. I know I can. “Kids, I can’t spend much time with you today. It’s not personal, it’s busyness.” “I know I told you I would call you, but I forgot. It’s not personal, it’s busyness.” “I’m sorry I’m half an hour late for our meeting. It’s not personal, it’s busyness.”

Even though we live in Corsicana, TX and not the big city, we easily find ourselves living a frenetic lifestyle, with our days scheduled to the minute and very little time to just sit and be. For some of us, our personality virtually demands that we plan and schedule each minute of the day. For others, our lack of planning leads to running from one appointment to the next, dropping kids from one sports thing to the next. I fall into the latter category.

What I have found is that the busier I get, the more I miss out. Even more than that, the busier I get, the more my kids miss out. It is my responsibility to make sure that my family is not so busy that we don’t spend time together. As the father, I am charged with the spiritual well-being of my family, and the busier I get, the less influence I have.

Please don’t hear me say that busy people are doing things wrong. At times I have a schedule that has me scrambling from one thing to the next. I am saying that we often add things to our schedules, unnecessary things, that indicate to the people around us that we care more for these things than we care for them.

That’s kind of a harsh truth. When we choose to spend inordinate amounts of time away from our families or the people we love, we speak very clearly about those things that we prefer to give our time and attention.

The more nights I choose to spend out with teenagers, the more my own children discover who I really prefer. The more time I spend on trips, the more Misha gets a clear idea of where she ranks on my list of priorities. The more activities I try to cram into my family’s schedule, the more my family understands what I truly value.

And the opposite is also true.

The more nights I choose to spend with my kids, the more my kids discover how much I truly love them. The more I choose my wife over filling my schedule with events and trips, the more fulfilling our marriage becomes. The more I schedule down-time with my family, the more they understand that I truly value them over any thing on this planet.

Because busyness is personal. Busyness for its own sake makes it difficult, darn near impossible, even, to put extended, focused time into developing those personal relationships that matter most. Busyness tells those around you what you really prefer and where your priorities lie.

Busyness is personal. Wouldn’t it be great if our church continues to be known, as I think it has been up to now, for valuing people over schedules, for being relationship-driven instead of program driven, for having a schedule that truly shows that our priorities are in developing those personal relationships that increase our spiritual influence in the lives of our families and community?

Misha Then and Now

Every year Misha and I make a list detailing each other’s traits that we most admire. I find it difficult to avoid typing up the same old list I would have written after our first date. Of course, I remember the date like it was yesterday. It was a Wednesday night study of Mere Christianity and a trip to the Hamburger Barn in Arkadelphia, AR. Misha ordered a honey mustard chicken sandwich and I probably had the fajita quesadillas. I only remember that because Misha finished her sandwich before I finished my food and I said, “Man, I’ve never seen a woman put away a sandwich like that before.” Yep, I was smooth. And I was fortunate enough to get a second date.

Even then, my list would have included Misha’s insight into the deep, dark corners of my soul, the face she doesn’t realize she’s making in the mirror when she’s checking her makeup, the way her legs look in black tights, her roundabout yet supremely entertaining way of telling a story, her unwavering determination to speak only what is true, and the intelligence with which she speaks.

I think it’s fair to say that I was completely smitten from the earliest days of our courtship.

We’ve been married 11 years now, and the things that flew me to the moon when we met in 1998 are still among my favorite things about Misha. I discovered early on that she has no tolerance for girlish drama, and that she values people over stuff. It was our first real conversation that clued me in her talent for seeing beyond surface level conversation to see foundational issues at play. Everyone on campus was aware of her obvious talent, but not everyone knew that Misha could craft a story that would have you laughing and crying all at the same time.

So I guess I will dig deep and try to get beyond the same old list that I keep repeating every time I give a compliment. And I’ll avoid the ol’ standby, “yur purty”.

I love that Misha so obviously loves kids. Especially babies. Every kid at Sam Houston Elementary is “her kid”.

Misha’s brain makes connections I usually overlook, which makes her a very interesting conversation partner.

Misha wants to be the best she can be at whatever she’s doing at any given moment.

I love the way Misha reads. She reads a book all the way through, and, if she likes it, she’ll go back and re-read her favorite sections.

Misha can’t resist giving to a worthy cause. Missionaries, students, kids in Haiti, Susan G. Komen, Hope Center, the list goes on.

Misha willingly gives her time away. Especially for ministry, school projects, or advancing the arts in Corsicana.

Misha watches the Star Wars saga with me, if only just to be with me. She scoffs most of the time, but still, she watches. And she recognizes the amazingly well done archetypes...

Misha loves to research cars and houses. Even when we aren’t in the market, she checks out realtor.com and local auto deals.

Misha organizes her schedule around our family. We all know that we are the most important thing in her life outside her relationship with Christ.

Misha is one of the deepest thinkers I know about spiritual things. She breaks through the clutter of big words and breaks difficult concepts down into their basic parts.

Misha’s legs still look fantastic in black stockings.

The World As It Was Meant To Be, part 1

I grew up in the country. My summer days were spent running around barefoot in the woods and hanging out with the only other kid in the neighborhood, and he is 6 years younger than I am. I remember the time I told him there was no Santa. He was 7, I think. His name is Jeff Coletrane.

Jeff’s dad is the consummate country boy. My brothers and I spent our summers working with John Wayne Coletrane mowing lawns, throwing hay, and pretty much anything else that would bring in a few extra bucks.

Every now and then the Coletranes would bring home an animal. Once it was a raccoon they kept in the little playhouse behind their home. It was fenced in, and we always hoped it would become tame and turn into our best friend, following us on our many adventures in the woods. Didn’t happen.

One day John Coletrane brought home a baby goat that was Jeff’s to care for. When it was big enough, they tied it to a tree right outside the raccoon cage. Jeff named her Jellybeans.

I have a confession to make. I hated that goat. I am not proud of this, but when no one was looking, if I was walking by, I would hit it in the face, or I would kick it, or I would wrap it’s rope one more time around the tree to give it a bit less slack. I’ve been carrying this guilt around for 20 years, and it feels good to get this off my chest.

I don’t really know why I would do something like that. But I have some theories:

Maybe I was jealous- I always wanted animals like the Coletranes, but my family just didn’t keep animals except for dogs.

Maybe I was weak- I was never the strongest or most athletic or coolest kid, and I wanted to feel like I was powerful.

Maybe I was cruel- Something in me felt good when I caused harm to a weaker animal.

Maybe it was all three.

What I do know is that these actions on my part are symptoms of a greater problem. We all know this intuitively, all we have to do is look around at the news, and we realize deep down that the world is not as it was meant to be.

Let me give you a picture of the world as God created it:

Genesis 1 gives us a picture of a world in complete balance. Everything God created was good and in perfect order. That’s what the word “good” means here. It’s not good in a moral sense. In Hebrew the word is tov. It means complete, in perfect order, and well-done. There was no extinction, all the creatures were well taken care of, and the climate was perfectly balanced. It’s hard for us to imagine, right?

Well that’s not the most amazing thing. Because after all the things God created and called good, he still hadn’t gotten to the best part. He was building up to His creation nonpareil, His crowning achievement, His magnum opus.

The Bible tells us that God spoke the world into existence, God said, “Let there be light.”, and BAM!!, there was light. It was the same with each stage of creation, land, sky, sun and moon, fish and birds, plants and animals. And after each stage, God looked over His work for the day, and said, “Yes, this is good.” But then, after the animals that live on the land, God stops, takes His time, and gets intimately involved in the formation of the crown of creation, the human. He stoops down, digs into the dirt, and with His own hands forms the shape of a human like we would do with play-doh. And then, He puts His face close to the human’s, and breathes the first breath into his lungs. The word for breath is also the word for spirit, so the first human had the pure breath of God in His lungs, and the man’s spirit was given directly by God Himself.

The man’s name was Adam, the Hebrew word for dirt. Now this dirt was perfectly morally pure. He was not guilty of anything, was completely selfless, and had the opportunity to live forever. His job was to be God’s representative on earth, to rule creation as God’s right hand. And the human knew exactly what God was like because he was able to walk and talk with God as if he were walking and talking to you or me face to face.

There was no war. There was no jealousy. There were no power-hungry dictators. There were no cruel fathers beating their children or wives. There was no destruction of the environment. The man had plenty to eat, and when God created the woman, they were the perfect complement to each other.

So pretty much imagine the best possible world without technology, and it was probably pretty close.

But look around at the world today. There is war. There is abuse. There is jealousy. The world is not as it was meant to be. And there is a reason why.