End of an Era

This month marked the end of an era--the final day of the Mayan Calendar. To the ancient Mayans, I’m sure it was unfathomable that we would actually arrive at this moment. Maybe, since they couldn’t imagine anything beyond what they knew, that’s why they predicted the complete destruction of the planet. But then, it’s hard for any of us to imagine the end of anything in which we are immediately involved or fully vested. Every summer at camp or on mission trips, the students invariably have the “I can’t believe it’s only been a day”/”I feel like we’ve been here forever” conversations.

When we’re completely immersed in an activity, it’s hard to imagine or accept that it will eventually end. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said in the last few months, “It’s already (insert date here)? Where has the year gone?!” But years end, we come home from trips, and activities find their completion.

I have this picture in my head from Acts 1 of the disciples standing, staring up into heaven after Jesus, wondering what to do now, as if they hadn’t been told this moment was coming. It’s almost like being an ancient Mayan on December 22, 2012. The world didn’t end. Life goes on. And they can now either live life defined by an event that happened (or didn’t) in the past, or they can move forward into a new era, with a new and compelling vision, a single-minded purpose that compiles all that they had experienced and learned in the past and propels them into the unknown. Fortunately, messengers from God woke them from their wondering and reminded them that Jesus would return.

It’s the response of the disciples at this moment that really catches my attention today. With a new mission in life and the promise of the Master’s return, they turned right around, acted in obedience, and the world shook with the impact of their lives.

Most of us can quote Acts 1:8 at the drop of a hat. Here it is in case you can’t: But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth. It’s not like we don’t really know what to do. It’s not like we haven’t been told this moment was coming. The world has not ended. Life goes on.

And now, from this moment, we can live life defined by events in our past, or we can grab hold of this old and compelling vision, driven by a single-minded purpose that propels us into the unknown.

At the right time, Christ died for the ungodly. At the right time, He will return. How will we spend the mean time?

It’s the response of Jesus’ disciples at this moment that draws my attention today. With a new mission in life and the promise of the Master’s return, will we, like the 12, live our lives this year as the martures, Christ’s witnesses and representatives in the world? I can only imagine how Corsicana would be shaken by the impact of just a few who would turn right around and act in obedience today.

 

Home

I have a new favorite song to add to my list. I have to overlook the poor grammar, the fact that it’s sung by a guy with a double name, Philip Phillips, and that he’s an American Idol winner, but at least he doesn’t go by Philip². 

The song is Home, a fun little song to comfort a spouse/girlfriend/fiancee’ having doubts and fears about the future. Here are the lyrics:

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Aside from the fact that I, as a husband and father, want to be able to be the comforter and the steady, reliable constant in the life of my family, I believe this song highlights a deep felt need at the heart of many of the decisions we make as humans. This song speaks to our need to belong, to be cared for, to have an unmovable foundation to rely on when our circumstances and future seem to be in chaos.

I don’t know about you, but that seems to be a common experience in my life.

Too often, my response to chaos is to be carried along by the wave, subject to the fear of not knowing what the future holds. But in the midst of the uncertainty and the crowd of voices fighting for our attention, THE Constant, THE Unmoved Mover, THE Wonderful Counselor, THE Mighty God, THE Prince of Peace quietly reminds us that we are not alone, that He is here with us in the chaos like a mooring firmly anchored in His eternal character.

And He has given us a picture of this comfort. Emmanuel, God with us, was born, lived a sinless life, died, and rose again to make eternal life available to us, and much like Philip Phillips, he offers us this comfort:

Let not your heart be troubled; you believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also. And where I go you know, and the way you know.

John 14:1-4

Unfortunately, the Christmas season is one of the most chaotic on our calendar. I am making it my personal goal to take some extended, intentional time out of the chaos to dwell on the comfort Christ offers as the fulfillment of these words from Isaiah 9:6-7:

For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of His government and peace There will be no end, Upon the throne of David and over His kingdom, To order it and establish it with judgment and justice From that time forward, even forever. The zeal of the LORD of hosts will perform this.  

Needing, Wanting, Getting

I was a runner in college. And when I say “runner”, I mean I ran 70 miles/week, 8k races at around 29 minutes, and twice daily workouts during the Cross Country season. I was 165 pounds of NCAA Division III scholarshipped Cross Country... mediocrity. Ok, maybe there are a whole load of people who can’t run 8k at any pace, but compared to even the other guys on my team, I wasn’t really a great runner. 

Maybe I could have been. Maybe if I trained harder or cared more or watched Prefontaine more often I could have brought my time down to 25 minutes. My real problem: I love fried food and I worked at Sonic Drive In. 

I love fried food. I love French Fries, Onion Rings, Tater Tots, Fish-wiches, Chicken Fried Steak, Chicken Fried Chicken, Donuts... the list goes on. And all of these things I had at my fingertips at any time for 25-35 hours/week. The problem with this is that these kinds of food wreak havoc on your body, and pretty much immediately after you eat them. So I was running hard and negating much of my work by the food that I ate.

My deeper problem was (and still is) a general lack of self-control, especially in the area of food. I think with all the media coverage on obesity in America, we are all aware of the national trend towards indulgence. Our lack of boundaries extends to other areas, as well: Need a new (fill in the blank)? Why wait? You DESERVE a new (fill in the blank). And you can finance it for 72 months with no money down!

Whatever the causes were, as a college student, I was spoiled. I still am in some ways. The easier it is to acquire that thing which is really not in our best interest, the harder it is to control ourselves. So when I had fried foods at my fingertips, my desires overwhelmed my reason and discipline. I think we can substitute any of our vices here.

Consider this:

All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything. 1 Corinthians 6:12 

Sometimes we allow our habits to be shaped by things simply because they are there. Since I can have it, then I must necessarily need it and have the right to get it whenever I choose. So in Matt Parker’s case,  if he needs fried foods, he has the right to have Sonic at his fingertips whenever he wants it. Until 2 am, anyway.

And maybe I can. After all, all things are lawful for me, especially as a believer. I live in America where fast food is everywhere and often cheaper than buying and preparing healthy food. But that does not mean it is good or beneficial for me and those around me. 

Every day we face opportunities that will either benefit us or not. I wonder what would happen in our church if we all made this verse a daily reminder. What if we took seriously this idea of not being mastered by our desires and passions? 

Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

On Heroism and Chuck

But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am a youth,' Because everywhere I send you, you shall go, And all that I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, For I am with you to deliver you," declares the LORD. 

Jeremiah 1:7-8

There is a television series that gives me hope as a man. It’s called Chuck. It’s about a regular old computer genius who mistakingly receives a supercomputer in his brain containing all the secrets of the CIA and NSA, along with some physical abilities like Kung Fu, sharp shooting, gymnastics, and Tango. The series explores how a regular guy becomes a hero, and it may be a bit different than you might think.

I am not your typical heroic figure. So you can imagine that stories of nerds and geeks who behave heroically are a serious draw for me. They show us what heroism truly is. 

http://www.kera.org/2012/05/22/truths-about-fear-and-courage/ 

I recently heard an interview with Dr. Gordon Livingston, a West Point graduate who has become a psychiatrist and author of the book The Thing You Think You Cannot Do. Above is the link to the audio of the interview. A statement Dr. Livingston made that caught my attention was his assertion that our idea of heroism has become skewed over the past 100 or so years. Instead of to truly great men who demonstrate moral and physical fortitude in extreme and dangerous circumstances, we attribute heroism to game players, strongmen, and the people who can take out a horde of bad guys with the flex of his bicep. Our heros tend to be terribly flawed characters who make awful decisions, or have the label of hero because of the uniform they wear.

Be not afraid of greatness; some are born great, some achieve greatness, and others have greatness thrust upon them. William Shakespeare

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." 

Joshua 1:9

Maybe our culture should reexamine our definition of heroism. Maybe courage and heroism are more about the right choices we make under duress than about our position, talent, abilities, or even the branch of the military we enter. Maybe the greatness to which we should aspire is allowing the Lord to work within our weakness to accomplish His purposes.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

2 Corinthians 12:9 

We see the antithesis of this over and over again in the book of Judges, which C.S. Lewis suggests should be renamed “Champions”. With each successive champion the Lord raises to deliver Israel, the choices they make are worse and worse, and the story becomes bleaker and bleaker. Then enters Samson, perhaps the most impressive and apparently heroic of them all, yet his choices and his story are the worst yet.

I am not a heroic figure by cultural standards. I am not physically impressive, athletically talented, or politically motivated. But if I, like Chuck, can work within the gifts I have been given to work for the good of those around me, for God’s glory to place the well being of my friends and family above my own, and commit to do what is right no matter what it costs me, I may just be able to become a hero to those I care about the most.

By the way, the actor who plays Chuck is a professing believer in Christ, living in Hollywood. So Zachari Levi may be even more heroic than the character he plays.

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/film/features/2830-qaa-with-zachary-levi

The Thing About My Folks

When I was a kid, my folks were completely unreasonable. I mean, they were horrible, really. It’s amazing I made it through. When I think back now, as a parent myself, I may have called CPS on my parents several times. You have no idea.

Oh, sure, in public they were all nice and respectable... Actually, now that I think about it, they were equally as awful in public as they were at home.

You would like a few examples? Here you go:

• My parents never had cable or satellite TV. It was embarrassing. I had to go to my friend’s house to watch MTV. I never knew anything about Beavis and Butthead or Ren and Stimpy. I was a dork and it’s all their fault.
  
  And it didn’t stop with TV. We barely had video games. When someone pulled out their Nintendo, I had no idea what to do with it. I’m an inept gamer and it’s all their fault.

• My parents forced me to wear hand-me-down clothes. Never mind that I was the youngest of 4 kids and they couldn’t afford Hilfiger, Gap, or Structure. My clothes weren’t from the mall, usually not even from Wal-Mart. Most of the time I got to shop in MY BROTHERS’ CLOSET! I was mortified every time I walked down the hall at school.
  
  So when I saw A C Slater and his awesome stone washed jeans, I knew it was only a dream. I was a fashion don’t and it’s all their fault.

• My parents always had to know where I was and what I was doing. And we lived so far out of town that usually all I had available was MY BACK YARD! And I had a curfew at least an hour ahead of everyone else my age. Some of my friends didn’t have a curfew at all. You can guess where I went to spend the night as often as I could. I was a dweeb and it’s all their fault.

So you can see just these few examples of how bad my parents were at... PARENTING! I haven’t even gotten to how few times we ever went to Red Lobster or Olive Garden. I didn’t mention how my first jobs were when I was 9 years old. I can’t even think about not getting to go to cool places like Walt Disney World or Las Vegas. And, ugh, all that time we spent at CHURCH! Well, I didn’t actually mind that part so much. AWANA was kind of fun.

But because they gave birth to me, I was FORCED to follow my parents’ instructions. Because I have their DNA, I HAVE to show them honor, which is hard for me, given how my dad worked 12 hour shifts (supposedly to put food on the table and pay the mortgage) and my mom was always teaching at the same school as I was attending (again, EMBARRASSING).

It’s amazing to me that I turned out to be so well-adjusted. I’m incredibly cool for how I was brought up, even though I never got to hang out with drunks, drug addicts, or gangsters.

So thanks, Mom and Dad, for being such awful parents. No, seriously. Thank You.

Confessions of Matt Parker

I have a confession to make. I read teenage girl novels. I read all of the Twilight novels. I’m working on Hunger Games. I am not a teenage girl. And, get ready for this, I enjoy them. I realize that they are not the best crafted stories ever. I know that they are predictable and often trite. But I like to read them. I don’t know why, but I do, and always have. I read Anne of Green Gables and Pride and Prejudice when I was 12.

I’m glad to get that off my chest. Now you know one of my deepest, darkest secrets, and one of Misha’s favorite things to tease me about.

Confession is good for the soul.

I’ve not really been all that good at confession. I’m a fairly private person, and I want people to think well of me, to a fault. So I try not to offend against your expectations, and when I do, I try not to let you know about it. It’s also tempting, if the offense comes to light, to pass the blame on to someone else, even the person I’ve offended.

The older I get, the more I have the opportunity to practice confession. And when I do, I get sweaty palms and that jittery feeling in my chest, because when I confess for real, it’s not about a silly book I’m reading, it’s about things that require the giving and receiving of forgiveness, things that have the potential to harm relationships and hurt my reputation. But these would be hurt so much more by keeping them secret.

I clearly remember a few years ago when I was irresponsible with another man’s tool. I had to look directly into the face of a man I admire and respect and confess, and then ask for his forgiveness.

Confession is good for the soul.

I think we make mental assent of the fact, but when it comes to practice, we determine to keep things hidden and try to cover the dark corners of our lives so that people will think well of us. We project an image of how we want to be perceived, and for many people, the image doesn’t look much like the reality.

Confession closes the gap between our reality and our projection. Wouldn’t it be great if we really didn’t have anything to hide? Wouldn’t we live less stressful, more peaceful lives? Wouldn’t we get more and better sleep?

I’m not saying we should shout all the sordid events of our lives from the rooftops. It’s just that we often act like we don’t believe that Christ covered all of our sin. We act like there is judgment reserved for what we feel is too icky to be touched by His grace. Usually these things are what we judge in other people, but that’s a different article.

Confession helps us to experience grace in a tangible, face to face encounter.

Here are a few notes I’ve made about confession. Feel free to add to them or argue with me:

• Find a few people you can trust to reveal your entire life to, who will keep the information to themselves.
• Try not to leave anything out. The temptation is to go halfway, and thus diminish the benefit of the exercise.
• Your confessors should be people who will encourage you to do what is right.
• Don’t confess cross-gender with anyone except your spouse. There is great danger in that level of intimacy.
• If you need to confess and seek forgiveness from someone, do it right away, see Matthew 5:23-25. The longer you wait, the harder it will be.

There is great freedom in a life lived with integrity, and confession can go a long way in fostering that in our lives.

Life and Pain

Life IS pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

Dread Pirate Roberts

I don’t like pain. I just want to be clear about this from the outset. In fact, I avoid pain at all cost. My heel hurts, I don’t run. My head hurts, I take an Advil. My tummy hurts, I eat something or take a Tums.

But pain is a part of life, it’s unavoidable. We come into life through pain, we often leave life with pain, and the living of life often brings pain. For something to which we are so averse, there is an awful lot of it. And we spend an awful lot of time and money avoiding something that is so sure to occur.

And it’s not just the physical pain we try to avoid, either. I, of all people, hate dealing with emotional pain, so I avoid confrontation, stuff negative emotions deep down inside, and try to help everyone around me get along. In spite of everything I know about human relationships and how to have healthy ones, my desire to avoid temporary pain trumps what I know to be true.

I guess you could say that I naturally tend to the comfortable. And you do, too.

Often my desire for comfort clouds my understanding of what God wants for me. The thought goes like this: God wants me to be comfortable, so if it hurts, then it must necessarily be out of the will of God. We talked a bit about this in our small group last night. When I think that God causes all things to work together for good, I act as if that means that I will be free from pain. And with plenty of funds to do the things that I would like to do. And with the new vehicle I have my eye on. And...(insert your own idea of comfort here)

Consider these words from guys much smarter than myself:

God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world. C. S. Lewis

I say this with care, but I wonder if a fierce, insistent desire for a miracle - - even a physical healing - sometimes betrays a lack of faith rather than an abundance of it. When yearning for a miraculous resolution to a problem, do we make our loyalty to God contingent on whether he reveals himself yet again in the seen world? Phillip Yancey

God does not promise to make bad things good, nor has He assured us that He will keep us from bad things. He has promised us that in all things--even those that are terrible--good can come out of it for all those who love Him. Neil Anderson

When it comes down to it, at some point my desire for comfort becomes an aversion to stepping out and enduring some discomfort, even pain, even suffering, for the cause of Christ. It is at that moment that I begin to live as if God is here for me rather than me for Him. He becomes my Santa Claus, existing only to fulfill my wishes and to swoop in to remove me from any and every uncomfortable situation.

I will continue to take Advil. I will continue to acknowledge my physical pain and try to alleviate it. But maybe instead of trying to avoid pain in favor of comfort, I will seek to understand what I can learn through the pain, and open myself up to what God wants to do in my life because of my circumstances. Maybe then I’ll experience a bit more of that completion that James talks about:

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

James 1:2-4

Bricked In

Last night I heard a radio interview of the author of a book who argues that humans were never meant to be monogamous. He says that since quite a lot of people cheat on their spouses, that it must necessarily be against our genes/nature as humans to remain committed exclusively to one person for life. Therefore, healthy partnerships and marriages must be “open” in order to be most fulfilled. He also says that people who do remain committed without cheating are either lying about the subject or don’t have the ability or opportunity to cheat because of age, looks, lack of sexual prowess, etc.

I suppose that this is the only logical conclusion of a certain worldview. IF humans are only animals, then our urges and instincts must therefore be our highest motivation and suppression of those urges will lead to an unhappy, unfulfilled existence. Fortunately for me, this has not been my experience.

In my experience, the people who live the most successful, happiest, most fulfilled lives are people who exhibit great self control and have a long-term, exclusive, committed relationship with their spouse. I’ve found it to be true in myself as well. The more self controlled I am and the longer I remain committed exclusively to Misha, the more fulfilling I’ve found our relationship, and not just on an emotional level, but a physical one as well. I can’t imagine a happier, more fulfilled existence for me.

Because when love is viewed purely from a physical cost/reward perspective completely removed from the metaphysical, then it becomes just an emotion, and I know all too well how fleeting and unpredictable my emotions are. Or it becomes just instincts and urges, and I know all too well how self destructive those can be when followed to their end.

So here’s what I’ll do: I will let this fella have his open relationship and let him remain true to his worldview, if that’s what he wants to do. And I will go right ahead and pursue all the things he says will keep me unfulfilled and restless in my marriage. At the end of our lives, maybe we’ll have the chance to compare.

I predict that my relationship with Misha will be unquantifiably better not in spite of self control and exclusivity, but because of it.

Why wouldn’t I remain exclusive with her? She is the one who knows me best and accepts me for all that I am, as imperfect as I may be. She is the one who is the mother of my children and the desire of my heart. She is the one with whom I made a covenant: No matter the circumstance, no matter the finances or health, no matter the place or time, near or far, I will remain committed to Misha Perkins Parker until I die. I have bricked myself in, and though the world may fly apart all around us, I will never break that covenant.

Youth Culture Then and Now

At one point during each of our Real World Parents seminars, I ask the question, “Are things better or worse at this point in our culture than they were 100 years ago?” It’s a trick question, because the answer is, in general, neither. Compared with any point in history, our culture is not better or worse, it’s just different. We have different challenges, possibilities, influences, and technologies, but, in general, we cannot say that our culture is better or worse than it ever has been. Of course, our preferences and our ideas of the ideal society play a large role in our perception of culture.

It seems like every time I talk with the older members of our church about what we do in our student ministry I hear the words, “Things are just more difficult/different/harder than when I was a kid.” This seems to me to be an odd statement, because I grew up in the an era of rapid change in youth culture, and the rate of change increases by the day. Of course things are different today. But for those who were born in the United States during the first half of the 20th century, however, it’s not so strange. We were a primarily agricultural society in the early 1900s, the average family size was larger, communication slower, cities smaller, and, with the exception of the 1920s, our culture was less materialistic than it is today. All of these together made for a less volatile culture, though every generation experiences upheavals of new wars, new technologies, and political strife.

Family life was also more stable than it is today. Children were perceived as assets rather than a drain on the budget. Television and other media were not the distraction they are today, and family meals were the norm rather than the exception. Walt Mueller, the foremost scholar of Youth Culture in the church, gives a list of six of the primary changes that affect our families today:

• The increase and acceptance of divorce
• The rise of cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births
• The crisis of the fatherless
• The increasing number of mothers who work outside the home
• The decreasing amount of time parents are spending with their kids
• More teenagers are the victims of family violence

This is not to say that things were easy or better in the early 20th century, but we are certainly facing some significant challenges as we continue our discussion of ministry to students in our particular context. We look around and we can see, almost overwhelmingly, each of these factors affecting students and families all around us. No one seems immune.

Often we turn to the staff and volunteers in our church to help us know what in the world we can do to help our kids navigate these social pressures. But Youth ministry as we have come to understand it did not exist 100 years ago. These issues were addressed in the family context and the need for a specialized church ministry for adolescents was non-existent. Next we will trace Youth ministry as it has evolved to address the various and changing challenges of our culture.

Ministry is Relationship

Jealousy

As we walked through the building I felt an overwhelming sense of jealousy. The nearly finished Student Ministry Center was huge, the lights were huge, even the soundboard was huge. The welcome center was bigger than my entire space designated for Student Ministry.

Our town has never had a church building like this one before.

I confess to you, the reader, that I am sometimes jealous of Student Ministries with bigger budgets, newer gadgets, nicer buildings, cooler youth guys... The list goes on. I have a plan for what my ministry will look like when I have those kinds of resources. If I ever have those kinds of resources.

“So, what’s your big plan for when this thing is finished?” I asked the Student Minister.

“We’re going to focus on Small Groups and creating a spirit of friendliness.” He replied.

He handed me a book by Jeanne Mayo, Thriving Youth Groups: secrets for growing your ministry & creating a friendship culture. I read it the next day.

Ministry is Relationship

A thought came to me as we were talking: Ministry is relationship. I’ve been saying this for a long time, yet I’ve always had this idea that there are things we could acquire that would “put us right over the top”. Student Ministers are known for being early adopters of technology and tactics of ministry, and I want to be known for that, as well.

Ministry is relationship. It’s not an earth shaking idea. I heard it from a pastor a long time ago. Libraries have been written about it, seminars have been presented declaring it, and committees have been established to determine how to best go about it. From the time of Christ until now, ministry is to be done in the context of relationships, if it is to be considered ministry at all.

Ministry is relationship. This statement is true no matter the generation, church size, socioeconomic class, denomination, creed, or race. Our deepest desire as humans is for connection with God, and that is best felt through connection with His people.

Ministry is relationship. I’ve been a Student Minister in Corsicana, TX for over seven years, and the students who stick, thrive, and go on to ministries of their own are the ones who form connections with other students, ministry volunteers, and other adults in the church. Even my big plan for limitless resources is dependent on and intended to foster close relationships among the students and adults who are involved in the ministry.

Looking Back

As a teenager, I was never a member of a “youth group”. I was a member of a small church with too few teenagers to be considered a “group”. But there was this one church where a few of my classmates attended where I went to from time to time. I even went on a summer trip or two with them. The group was led by a wacky college student named Wes. I remember a few of his jokes. I remember that his hair changed every time Steven Curtis Chapman’s hair changed. I remember that he loved and accepted me right where I was.

I didn’t know that he would be the influence that gave me the desire to be where I am today. Neither did he.

Wes wasn’t a superstar Student Minister. Sylvan Hills First Baptist wasn’t nearly the biggest church around and definitely didn’t have the biggest budget. The teenagers met in what was basically the attic of the church. They called it the “Upper Room”. Yet out of the Upper Room flowed a spirit of love and acceptance that drew me into a deeper relationship with the other students, and deepened my desire to get to know God to a greater degree.

What will follow is a discussion of the basics of effective, thriving ministry to teenagers regardless of budget or resources. I speak from the experience of a small church in a small town. Though practical matters may change, the basic principles of effective ministry remain the same.

Rules and Expectations

Well, it’s that time of year again. The weather is getting cooler, the days are getting shorter, football season is in full swing, and Halloween decorations are on the shelves at our friendly neighborhood retailers.

I’ve never really enjoyed Halloween.

Even when I was a kid, the thought of dressing up, getting candy from strangers, and being scared to death was not a pleasant one. I didn’t mind my parents keeping me home from trick-or-treating, and I certainly didn’t want to go to a haunted house. I may have some repressed memory of some haunted house trauma where a zombie clown pretended to suck out my brains. That would probably also explain my fear of clowns.

Yep, I’m a Hallo-weenie.

I once heard Halloween described as the one day of the year we’re expected to pretend to be someone we’re not. Costumes allow us to play out our fantasies, to face our fears, and hide the things we don’t really like about ourselves.

Of course, Halloween has a long and legendary history. As a child, I learned all about the one day of the year the veil between the living and the dead is supposed by pagans to be the thinnest. I learned about All Saints Day and Jack, who lost his head and wanders purgatory with a lantern made out of a pumpkin looking for it.

At least, I think that’s how it goes.

But in our consumer culture, regardless of its roots, Halloween is considered just a fun night to dress up, party, and get a bunch of candy. As much as I don’t really like Halloween, I really enjoy candy and dressing up.

When I was a kid, the thing I dressed myself in most often was my perception of what everyone around me expected. Give me a list of rules and expectations, and I could be pretty much whatever you wanted me to be. I could even change, like a chameleon, depending on my surroundings and people I was with. It became a bit awkward, though, when I was hanging out with people from different circles at the same time.

That’s the problem with focusing on the rules.

Anyone can fit themselves into a box we create for them. Anyone can pretend to be something they’re not. At least for a little while. You may be a member at BBC, or even just hanging around checking us out, and you may be completely different from the person you present to us at church. It has certainly happened before.

But following the rules doesn’t have anything to do with true life change.

Galatians 3:21: Is the law then against the promises of God? God forbid: for if there had been a law given which could make alive, verily righteousness would have been of the law.

I’m not talking about a passive “let life happen” approach to our Christian life. As we are faced with Scripture and are convicted about what God wants for us, we act and actively pursue the things that He desires for our lives.

James 1:23-24: For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was.

We can force people to follow the rules or leave, and that would be fairly easy to do. The much harder thing, and the thing I believe we're called to do, is to love and accept people no matter what and show them by our actions and love who Christ is and what God's character is like. People can follow rules without any true change whatsoever. That was the problem with the Pharisees. People cannot, however, consistently behave contrary to what they truly believe. So we want to help people to know, understand, believe, and apply principles of Scripture, not force themselves into a mold that we create for them.

When people see the way you live your life, do they see Christ's love, or do they see a list of rules and expectations?

Galatians 3:26-27: For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.

Love and Passion

Misha and I have been married for 11 years. It doesn’t seem like such a long time when we hang out with couples who’ve been married 20 and 30 years. I think there are more than a few people who think of us as that cute young married couple, or those young pups. There’s a hint of amusement in their voices as they give us parenting advice or tell us stories about getting along with their spouses. And it’s fine. That’s one reason we hang out with them, to glean from their wealth of wisdom.

At the same time, we have been married a long time. We have friends our age who haven’t been married as long, are on their second marriage, or haven’t yet found Mr. or Mrs. Right. We try not to sound like bossy know-it-alls when we discuss relationships with them, but I’m sure it doesn’t always work. Like all couples who have been married 11 years, we have had our share of character and relationship-trying experiences and dry spells, and I take more than a bit of pleasure in the fact that we have emerged so far with a stronger marriage, a closer relationship, and a more intimate sharing of our lives than when we first started. I am more in love with my wife (in the ooey-gooey infatuated sense) than when we got married.

There’s a theory going around that the ooey-gooey feelings that you have when you first get together with someone go away over time, and you fall into a settled, less passionate existence together. I think that’s bunk. I’ve found that the more I lay down my life for someone who is doing the same for me, the closer our connection becomes, and the more I am able to love her with passion and abandon. The more I get to know what a beautiful and amazing woman she is, the more I want to please her and lay my life down more completely.

I started thinking about this when I read a devotional thought from Colossians 2 by Mark Matlock. Here’s an excerpt:

"In delivering to his readers -- and us -- what we need to know about Jesus, Paul answers the question we often ask: I'm a Christian; now what?

At least, it's the question we should be asking. Instead, I think a lot of us unconsciously think, "I'm a Christian. Now let me get on with my life." Paul will tell us today and tomorrow that God intends that "getting on with your life" be just as much about Jesus as becoming a Christian was in the first place.

My pastor puts it this way: The wedding isn't the end of the relationship; it's only the first day. Becoming a Christian is the start of living in Christ, not just the end of our search for God. If your life isn't all about growing in Christ, it's not all it could be."

I could lead a dry and passionless existence with my wife. And I could do the same with Christ. But there was a time about 13 years ago that I began to realize the depths of love God has for me, and I became, in a sense, “infatuated” with Christ--that is, I felt a deep longing and excitement regarding our relationship. I have been growing in my passion for Him ever since, although as I get older I sometimes express it with less energy (because I do most things with less energy). The more I lay my own life down for Christ and understand how He did the same for me, the more “in love” with Him I become.

It just so happens that I met my wife that same year. Coincidence? I think not.

It's Not Personal, It's Busyness

One of my favorite romantic comedies in the world is You’ve Got Mail. Tom Hanks plays Joe Fox, the heir apparent of a chain of Barnes & Noble-type bookstores who puts Kathleen Kelly, the owner of a small children’s bookstore played by Meg Ryan, out of business. Joe Fox’s mantra: “It’s not personal, it’s business.” Through the course of the movie this mantra is turned on it’s head as Joe’s personal life becomes intricately linked with this person he’s just put out of business. It’s quirky and fun, and worth watching if you enjoy good movies.

I think with a bit of an adjustment, we could use this phrase pretty often. I know I can. “Kids, I can’t spend much time with you today. It’s not personal, it’s busyness.” “I know I told you I would call you, but I forgot. It’s not personal, it’s busyness.” “I’m sorry I’m half an hour late for our meeting. It’s not personal, it’s busyness.”

Even though we live in Corsicana, TX and not the big city, we easily find ourselves living a frenetic lifestyle, with our days scheduled to the minute and very little time to just sit and be. For some of us, our personality virtually demands that we plan and schedule each minute of the day. For others, our lack of planning leads to running from one appointment to the next, dropping kids from one sports thing to the next. I fall into the latter category.

What I have found is that the busier I get, the more I miss out. Even more than that, the busier I get, the more my kids miss out. It is my responsibility to make sure that my family is not so busy that we don’t spend time together. As the father, I am charged with the spiritual well-being of my family, and the busier I get, the less influence I have.

Please don’t hear me say that busy people are doing things wrong. At times I have a schedule that has me scrambling from one thing to the next. I am saying that we often add things to our schedules, unnecessary things, that indicate to the people around us that we care more for these things than we care for them.

That’s kind of a harsh truth. When we choose to spend inordinate amounts of time away from our families or the people we love, we speak very clearly about those things that we prefer to give our time and attention.

The more nights I choose to spend out with teenagers, the more my own children discover who I really prefer. The more time I spend on trips, the more Misha gets a clear idea of where she ranks on my list of priorities. The more activities I try to cram into my family’s schedule, the more my family understands what I truly value.

And the opposite is also true.

The more nights I choose to spend with my kids, the more my kids discover how much I truly love them. The more I choose my wife over filling my schedule with events and trips, the more fulfilling our marriage becomes. The more I schedule down-time with my family, the more they understand that I truly value them over any thing on this planet.

Because busyness is personal. Busyness for its own sake makes it difficult, darn near impossible, even, to put extended, focused time into developing those personal relationships that matter most. Busyness tells those around you what you really prefer and where your priorities lie.

Busyness is personal. Wouldn’t it be great if our church continues to be known, as I think it has been up to now, for valuing people over schedules, for being relationship-driven instead of program driven, for having a schedule that truly shows that our priorities are in developing those personal relationships that increase our spiritual influence in the lives of our families and community?

Misha Then and Now

Every year Misha and I make a list detailing each other’s traits that we most admire. I find it difficult to avoid typing up the same old list I would have written after our first date. Of course, I remember the date like it was yesterday. It was a Wednesday night study of Mere Christianity and a trip to the Hamburger Barn in Arkadelphia, AR. Misha ordered a honey mustard chicken sandwich and I probably had the fajita quesadillas. I only remember that because Misha finished her sandwich before I finished my food and I said, “Man, I’ve never seen a woman put away a sandwich like that before.” Yep, I was smooth. And I was fortunate enough to get a second date.

Even then, my list would have included Misha’s insight into the deep, dark corners of my soul, the face she doesn’t realize she’s making in the mirror when she’s checking her makeup, the way her legs look in black tights, her roundabout yet supremely entertaining way of telling a story, her unwavering determination to speak only what is true, and the intelligence with which she speaks.

I think it’s fair to say that I was completely smitten from the earliest days of our courtship.

We’ve been married 11 years now, and the things that flew me to the moon when we met in 1998 are still among my favorite things about Misha. I discovered early on that she has no tolerance for girlish drama, and that she values people over stuff. It was our first real conversation that clued me in her talent for seeing beyond surface level conversation to see foundational issues at play. Everyone on campus was aware of her obvious talent, but not everyone knew that Misha could craft a story that would have you laughing and crying all at the same time.

So I guess I will dig deep and try to get beyond the same old list that I keep repeating every time I give a compliment. And I’ll avoid the ol’ standby, “yur purty”.

I love that Misha so obviously loves kids. Especially babies. Every kid at Sam Houston Elementary is “her kid”.

Misha’s brain makes connections I usually overlook, which makes her a very interesting conversation partner.

Misha wants to be the best she can be at whatever she’s doing at any given moment.

I love the way Misha reads. She reads a book all the way through, and, if she likes it, she’ll go back and re-read her favorite sections.

Misha can’t resist giving to a worthy cause. Missionaries, students, kids in Haiti, Susan G. Komen, Hope Center, the list goes on.

Misha willingly gives her time away. Especially for ministry, school projects, or advancing the arts in Corsicana.

Misha watches the Star Wars saga with me, if only just to be with me. She scoffs most of the time, but still, she watches. And she recognizes the amazingly well done archetypes...

Misha loves to research cars and houses. Even when we aren’t in the market, she checks out realtor.com and local auto deals.

Misha organizes her schedule around our family. We all know that we are the most important thing in her life outside her relationship with Christ.

Misha is one of the deepest thinkers I know about spiritual things. She breaks through the clutter of big words and breaks difficult concepts down into their basic parts.

Misha’s legs still look fantastic in black stockings.

The World As It Was Meant To Be, part 1

I grew up in the country. My summer days were spent running around barefoot in the woods and hanging out with the only other kid in the neighborhood, and he is 6 years younger than I am. I remember the time I told him there was no Santa. He was 7, I think. His name is Jeff Coletrane.

Jeff’s dad is the consummate country boy. My brothers and I spent our summers working with John Wayne Coletrane mowing lawns, throwing hay, and pretty much anything else that would bring in a few extra bucks.

Every now and then the Coletranes would bring home an animal. Once it was a raccoon they kept in the little playhouse behind their home. It was fenced in, and we always hoped it would become tame and turn into our best friend, following us on our many adventures in the woods. Didn’t happen.

One day John Coletrane brought home a baby goat that was Jeff’s to care for. When it was big enough, they tied it to a tree right outside the raccoon cage. Jeff named her Jellybeans.

I have a confession to make. I hated that goat. I am not proud of this, but when no one was looking, if I was walking by, I would hit it in the face, or I would kick it, or I would wrap it’s rope one more time around the tree to give it a bit less slack. I’ve been carrying this guilt around for 20 years, and it feels good to get this off my chest.

I don’t really know why I would do something like that. But I have some theories:

Maybe I was jealous- I always wanted animals like the Coletranes, but my family just didn’t keep animals except for dogs.

Maybe I was weak- I was never the strongest or most athletic or coolest kid, and I wanted to feel like I was powerful.

Maybe I was cruel- Something in me felt good when I caused harm to a weaker animal.

Maybe it was all three.

What I do know is that these actions on my part are symptoms of a greater problem. We all know this intuitively, all we have to do is look around at the news, and we realize deep down that the world is not as it was meant to be.

Let me give you a picture of the world as God created it:

Genesis 1 gives us a picture of a world in complete balance. Everything God created was good and in perfect order. That’s what the word “good” means here. It’s not good in a moral sense. In Hebrew the word is tov. It means complete, in perfect order, and well-done. There was no extinction, all the creatures were well taken care of, and the climate was perfectly balanced. It’s hard for us to imagine, right?

Well that’s not the most amazing thing. Because after all the things God created and called good, he still hadn’t gotten to the best part. He was building up to His creation nonpareil, His crowning achievement, His magnum opus.

The Bible tells us that God spoke the world into existence, God said, “Let there be light.”, and BAM!!, there was light. It was the same with each stage of creation, land, sky, sun and moon, fish and birds, plants and animals. And after each stage, God looked over His work for the day, and said, “Yes, this is good.” But then, after the animals that live on the land, God stops, takes His time, and gets intimately involved in the formation of the crown of creation, the human. He stoops down, digs into the dirt, and with His own hands forms the shape of a human like we would do with play-doh. And then, He puts His face close to the human’s, and breathes the first breath into his lungs. The word for breath is also the word for spirit, so the first human had the pure breath of God in His lungs, and the man’s spirit was given directly by God Himself.

The man’s name was Adam, the Hebrew word for dirt. Now this dirt was perfectly morally pure. He was not guilty of anything, was completely selfless, and had the opportunity to live forever. His job was to be God’s representative on earth, to rule creation as God’s right hand. And the human knew exactly what God was like because he was able to walk and talk with God as if he were walking and talking to you or me face to face.

There was no war. There was no jealousy. There were no power-hungry dictators. There were no cruel fathers beating their children or wives. There was no destruction of the environment. The man had plenty to eat, and when God created the woman, they were the perfect complement to each other.

So pretty much imagine the best possible world without technology, and it was probably pretty close.

But look around at the world today. There is war. There is abuse. There is jealousy. The world is not as it was meant to be. And there is a reason why.

Quotable Quotes

I never looked at Habakkuk much when I was a kid. It just didn’t register on my radar of things to read. Even now I hardly ever think to revisit the story. After all, it’s just 3 chapters in the middle of the Minor Prophets. They’re like the Minor League, right? The ones that just couldn’t make it in the Majors?

I imagine I’m like most people in the world. We just don’t pay much attention to some books of the Bible. They seem too insignificant or too difficult to understand. Habakkuk seems to fly under the radar, even though we use phrases from the book fairly often. For example: The just shall live by faith, and, He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and sets me on high places. Ok, well, that’s all I could find. And that last one is a stretch.

It just so happens that Howard Hendricks was still teaching first year Bible Study Methods at Dallas Seminary when I started in 2001. Part of the program was to dissect Habakkuk and chart the book in great detail. Until then I had been satisfied to depend on the verses I had memorized as a kid. So you can imagine my surprise when I discovered that to understand Scripture it’s not enough to be able to quote a few random verses from a few random books of the Bible.

We have a quotable quote Christian culture. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I know my Redeemer lives. Be kind one to another. For God so loved the world. The greatest of these is love. We depend on these verses and pull them out to address different situations we face. Trouble with your boss at work? God gives grace to the humble. Death in the family? To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord.

In the 70s and 80s the Bible Church movement was known for its commitment to getting beyond the self-help, quotable quote Christian Culture. Believers Bible Church was, and still is, known for digging deep into Scripture and finding the unfathomable truths that can be found on every page of the Bible. But the temptation to be satisfied with quotable quotes at the expense of understanding context, nuance, and the author’s intended meaning remains strong.

Don’t misunderstand me. All of the verses we most love to quote are on my list of favorites. But it’s our tendency to use quotable quotes that allows misunderstandings and even heresies into our mindset. It’s this tendency to cherry pick verses that leads to proof-texting and justification of our own wrong thinking. It leads to a confusion of the actual message of books like James and Hebrews.

The word of God is living and active and sharper than any two edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart. (There I go. But I think I may be well within the interpretive range in this one.) If we are going to really experience the life that God desires for us to live, it is necessary for us to get beyond the quotable quote approach to Scripture. The Bible is God’s communication of Himself to us. If we really want to know Him and the power of His resurrection, then we must dig deep. If we want to realize the unfathomable riches of His grace, we must be committed to the daily study, not of someone else’s thoughts about Scripture, but of Scripture itself.

It starts with just reading. I hope that even if you’ve gotten behind in our Bible reading plan, you are sticking with it and discovering new truths every day, because this is how we deepen our faith and get to know the Almighty God of the universe who has made Himself known to us.